Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tuesday Check-In

I was a little better this week, I suppose. Well, so far this week I mean. Sunday we did a 30-mile bike ride, yesterday I ran (20 minutes at an insane 8:30 minute mile pace) and lifted hardcore. I'm so sore today it's ridiculous. Tonight doing Butt & Gutt with Michelle at the gym and maybe taking a spin class if it's not the late one. Otherwise I'll run and do spin tomorrow.

I've been really angry lately. I think it's because I really have to buckle down and figure out what I want to do with my life. It's time to go back to school and get either a masters or my law degree, or it's time for a job change, or it's time for both, and I just can't figure out what I want to do.

So because of all that anger, I thought that going to the gym last night and kicking my ass would help. It did, for like maybe a half hour.

Sources of anger to follow:

I hate my apartment. It's so dark and dirty and small and depressing. It gets no natural light except for in the bedrooms. I get NO cell phone service anywhere. Our new neighbors have to ridiculously annoying yappy dogs. Lindsay and I had a really, really bad fight this weekend over her not wanting to deal with the ramifications of me going to law school. I can't stand my roommate and her passive-aggressive way of dealing with EVERYTHING.

I know I'm afraid to fail. I always have been. I struggle with it constantly, and it's one of the reasons that I become so easily complacent in my life. And I know thats one of the reasons I've always struggled with losing weight. I'm afraid to take the leap and finally buckle down into a serious routine, because I'm afraid I'm going to fail. Or I'm afraid I'm going to be successful. Or I'm afraid I'm going to be successful and then fail, which would be even worse. Losing the weight, being happy, and then slowly putting the weight back on. I've done it before - after I left the Army I was the smallest I had ever been. Six months later I was the biggest I had ever been. And it's the same with making a career/education change - I know it's something I need to do to make myself better. I'm just afraid that I'm going to let go of something I'm good at (my current job, even though I'm not really a fan of it) to go into something that I may potentially fail at. For instance: what if I leave my job now (which has a lot of job security, even barring the current economic crisis), go to the police academy, and get hurt and have to drop out. I'm jobless. I have nothing. And having nothing in NYC is most definitely NOT a good thing.

So my issue lies mainly in the fact that I'm afraid to let go of something that works for me, something that I'm good at or in, to make a change and risk failing and having nothing. Even if taking the risk means doing something I've always wanted to do and would make me happy. And that goes for both the job and losing weight.


The Better Idiot said...

I don't know your roomate or neighbours, so I don;t know if talkin to them about things would help, but as for your apartment is there anythign you can do to improve the looks a little? Small things like putting up new lighter curtains/rearranging furniture can make a huge difference, so you don;t need to paint or do anything major if you can't/don't want to. At the very least you could give your own room a facelift which will make you feel a little better.

Jen said...

8:30 min/mile?!! Wow, you are one fast runner! I'm lucky if I can make 10 min/mile! How fast do you run?

wow, I've got some work to do! Thanks for being motivation!