I don't weigh myself. I find that it gives me a very skewed outlook on myself. While I may currently weigh about 170, I also have massive amounts of muscle that really mess up the numbers on the scale. My calves are really cows, measuring in at more than 12 inches around of solid muscle. My quads are thunder thigh holy muscle mania. My biceps have also been growing lately - I attribute it to the swimming, and actually using my arms as I run.
I also have an extremely masculine frame, which causes me to get mistaken for a guy at least three times a day. Broad shoulders, bulky frame, shorts legs and long torso. SMALL BOOBS. NONEXISTENT BOOBS. Which I actually like. At best, when I'm wearing a fitted polo, it looks like I'm just a guy with massive pecs. Most days I don't even wear a bra, and an under shirt or Under Armour Compression tshirt is more than enough to keep them under control.
So I don't weigh myself. Using the typical weight scales for women, I should weigh anywhere between 125 and 140 pounds. HA! I think I weigh 125 in my right leg. Right now, a good and healthy weight for me would be around 155, which is 5 pounds more than I was when I left the Army. But I'm not going to weigh myself every day or every week.
No. I am going to weigh myself every month. And take measurements every two weeks. To track what means the most to me - losing inches, not weight - measurements are far more important. If I weight 160, but can wear pants with a 31-inch waist (down from the 34 I wear now), I'll be ecstatic. If I can see lines in my quads and cows and biceps and triceps, and weigh 163, I'll be the happiest kid on the planet.
I am an athlete, a powerhouse of muscle that will never weight 125 pounds, regardless of diet or exercise. Not that I would want to - I'm proud of my muscle. I like my solid, boxy, intimidating, muscular, broad, masculine frame.
It's taken a while for me to get there, to appreciate my body for what it is and how it was made.
I used to use my weight as an excuse: "No, I'm not fat, I'm just really muscular/broad/big-boned/athletic". And I was all of those things. I was also overweight. Not obese by any standards, but definitely overweight. Not unhealthily overweight, but overweight nonetheless. I trained for and ran a marathon weighing 175, with a resting heartrate of 50 bpm and excellent blood pressure, cholesteral, you name it. But I was still overweight. I'm still carrying around excess fat in my mid-section (DAMN TUMMY FAT!).
But now I'm realizing that I can maintain that boxy, powerful, muscular frame, and I don't need the fat to go with it. Losing that fat will actually make me even more boxy, powerful, and muscular.
Want to hear my biggest goal? The goal I set for myself every year, without fail, and without fail, fail to meet it? Here it is. I'm putting it out there, into the blogosphere, so that you can help me keep on going, making sure that I don't fall off the horse, and hopefully this will be the year I actually achieve it.
So here it is. The goal that I've set for myself for the past five years, and failed to meet every. single. year.
I want to go to the beach, and instead of hiding behind board shorts and a tank top, I want to rock the board shorts/bikini top. Or sports bra. Or something that exposes my stomach. I want to not be ashamed of my muffin top, of my rolls. I want to be that sporty little lesbian or surfer girl you see on the beach with the toned and tan body, loose board shorts and bikini top. You all know which one I'm talking about.
I'm aiming to have this done by June 13. Thats my half-ironman. If I can do it by then, I will do the run portion of the race in a sports bra and shorts.
So what do you think? Can I do it?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Aspartame
I just began reading Skinny Bitch, which I've heard is absolutely amazing. I got through the first 3 or 4 chapters on the subway today, just enough to be scared shitless of aspartame, soda, diet soda, splenda, and a host of other things. So I figured, instead of my normal Dr. Pepper with lunch (I LUUUUUURVE me some Dr. Pepper. I will give my firstborn. And second born. And third born (none of which are real sacrifices, seeing as I plan to never deliver a child)) I would get a Diet Snapple. It is, of course, made from the best stuff on earth. I figured I can't go wrong.
Halfway through my salad of romaine-egg whites-kidney beans-tomatoes-fresh mozzarella-chick peas-croutons-and balsamic vinegar, I look at the ingredients of the Diet Snapple.
ASPARTAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaah! Formaldehyde!
Excellent. I tried to make a better decision than sugar-laden Dr. Pepper heavenly goodness, and I'm ingesting aspertame. Dammit.
On the plus side, I've already consumed 40 ounces of water, plus two cups of tea. So maybe I can wash it all out.
Halfway through my salad of romaine-egg whites-kidney beans-tomatoes-fresh mozzarella-chick peas-croutons-and balsamic vinegar, I look at the ingredients of the Diet Snapple.
ASPARTAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaah! Formaldehyde!
Excellent. I tried to make a better decision than sugar-laden Dr. Pepper heavenly goodness, and I'm ingesting aspertame. Dammit.
On the plus side, I've already consumed 40 ounces of water, plus two cups of tea. So maybe I can wash it all out.
A Case of the Mondays
And not just a case of the regular Mondays, but a case of the 'everyone has the day off from work except me I hate my job' Mondays.
I made it to the gym yesterday and got 3 miles done - first time working out since the accident, and I felt fantastic!! I actually wasn't tired at all when I was done, and probably could have gone longer but I needed to get into the office to put in a few hours on a PowerPoint I'm working on. Tonight will be a spin/short run night.
I'm going to stop at Trader Joe's on my way home from work tonight. It's kind of a hassle to get to from work, but thats ok. I need to stock up on more chicken, salad, breakfast things, snacky things, fruits, etc etc etc. That chicken and salad I made a few weeks ago was absolutely delicious and lasted me half a week. So thats the plan for tonight - Trader Joe's on the way home, gym around 6, then cooking up some dinner afterwards.
I made it to the gym yesterday and got 3 miles done - first time working out since the accident, and I felt fantastic!! I actually wasn't tired at all when I was done, and probably could have gone longer but I needed to get into the office to put in a few hours on a PowerPoint I'm working on. Tonight will be a spin/short run night.
I'm going to stop at Trader Joe's on my way home from work tonight. It's kind of a hassle to get to from work, but thats ok. I need to stock up on more chicken, salad, breakfast things, snacky things, fruits, etc etc etc. That chicken and salad I made a few weeks ago was absolutely delicious and lasted me half a week. So thats the plan for tonight - Trader Joe's on the way home, gym around 6, then cooking up some dinner afterwards.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Getting back to normal
Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes after my last post. I finally feel like I'm getting back to normal (read: I can turn my head all the way to the right without my neck/back seizing up, and I'm sleeping), so I think I'm going to try to hit the gym tonight.
On Saturday, while Mel and I were snowboarding and before the accident, we were talking about how we are actually starting to not feel young anymore. We're both 24, so we are definitely still YOUNG, but we were noticing how we don't bounce back from things as quickly as we used to; how two drinks can now lead to a hangover; how slight twinges and aches and pains aren't as easily ignored. We both realized that hey, we are getting older and we need to start taking care of ourselves.
And then we got into the accident. And when we woke up the next day, we were nowhere near as sore and stiff and pained as we thought we would be. We looked at each other, laughed, and realized that maybe our bodies are still young, we're still supple, we're still able to bounce back and recover and be OK.
That won't last long, though. As it stands I have early onset arthritis in my fingers and toes, I have no cartilage left in my right knee, a souvenier from my hectic field hockey glory. I need to start taking care of myself now, before those things get worse. I need to treat my body with respect and stop pouring alcohol into it three or four nights a week and poisoning it with crappy, fatty take-out.
Tonight I'm back at the gym. I'll probably skip the spin class and lifting, and just run to see how I can handle it. But I'm going back. And then maybe I'll hit the pool tomorrow morning before work.
On Saturday, while Mel and I were snowboarding and before the accident, we were talking about how we are actually starting to not feel young anymore. We're both 24, so we are definitely still YOUNG, but we were noticing how we don't bounce back from things as quickly as we used to; how two drinks can now lead to a hangover; how slight twinges and aches and pains aren't as easily ignored. We both realized that hey, we are getting older and we need to start taking care of ourselves.
And then we got into the accident. And when we woke up the next day, we were nowhere near as sore and stiff and pained as we thought we would be. We looked at each other, laughed, and realized that maybe our bodies are still young, we're still supple, we're still able to bounce back and recover and be OK.
That won't last long, though. As it stands I have early onset arthritis in my fingers and toes, I have no cartilage left in my right knee, a souvenier from my hectic field hockey glory. I need to start taking care of myself now, before those things get worse. I need to treat my body with respect and stop pouring alcohol into it three or four nights a week and poisoning it with crappy, fatty take-out.
Tonight I'm back at the gym. I'll probably skip the spin class and lifting, and just run to see how I can handle it. But I'm going back. And then maybe I'll hit the pool tomorrow morning before work.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Is it 2010 yet?
2009 could not have gotten off on a worse start if it had tried. Over New Years, my cat was in the ER because of a completely blocked urinary tract. After he got home he had a reaction to the meds that he was on that resulted in two MORE trips to the ER. I got two parking tickets within a week of each other. My father lost his job. And then, the icing on the cake...
The other night, I wrecked my car. We were coming home from snowboarding, and I spun out on a patch of ice or slush or something on the NYS Thruway. I spun and spun and spun, finally controlled the car, came to a complete stop, and then was hit by a Nissan Pathfinder. No one was hurt - we spent about 5 hours in the hospital getting checked over, and after some xray's and CT scans we were discharged. We spent the night in a hotel upstate, and then got back to Brooklyn yesterday afternoon.
I am so sore, and so tired, and so...I don't even know. I keep going over it in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, and why I didn't try to get the car off the highway after we stopped and once I noticed the Pathfinder closing in on us. I know that while it seemed an eternity to us, it really only happened in about 5 or 6 seconds, and the fact that I was able to control our spin and keep up on the road was really, really good. But I should have been able to maintain control and get us off the road before the Pathfinder hit us. I haven't slept well since it happened...Last night I had a couple beers and took an anti-anxiety drug that my doctor prescribed me for flying, and it basically put me into a drug-induced coma, but I don't feel like I slept.
Needless to say, I think I fell off the wagon a little bit yesterday. I ordered a small white pizza, and while I didn't eat the whole thing, I ate 3 slices. BUt that was also all that I ate all day. So maybe it wasn't that bad. I don't think I'm going to work out today because I'm so sore and tired. I think I'm still in shock. While we were in the hospital I couldn't stop shaking - it was basically full-body convulsions - and I was freezing and couldn't stop crying.
We could have been killed. We could have been seriously hurt. I could have killed someone. If he had hit my car in any other spot - engine, gas tank, etc - my car could have blown up. Luckily he hit the back on the side that the muffler was on. But still...I am still completely shaken.
My friends aren't mad at me - they say that it was a complete accident, that no one is at fault, that I need to stop apologizing because I did everything that I could have to stop our spinning, and that it was just unfortunate that we also got hit. Because if we hadn't gotten hit, everything would have been ok. I controlled the car, kept us on the road, didn't flip us over or land us in a ditch...
I'm just still really, really, really shaken up. And I probably will be for a while.
The other night, I wrecked my car. We were coming home from snowboarding, and I spun out on a patch of ice or slush or something on the NYS Thruway. I spun and spun and spun, finally controlled the car, came to a complete stop, and then was hit by a Nissan Pathfinder. No one was hurt - we spent about 5 hours in the hospital getting checked over, and after some xray's and CT scans we were discharged. We spent the night in a hotel upstate, and then got back to Brooklyn yesterday afternoon.
I am so sore, and so tired, and so...I don't even know. I keep going over it in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, and why I didn't try to get the car off the highway after we stopped and once I noticed the Pathfinder closing in on us. I know that while it seemed an eternity to us, it really only happened in about 5 or 6 seconds, and the fact that I was able to control our spin and keep up on the road was really, really good. But I should have been able to maintain control and get us off the road before the Pathfinder hit us. I haven't slept well since it happened...Last night I had a couple beers and took an anti-anxiety drug that my doctor prescribed me for flying, and it basically put me into a drug-induced coma, but I don't feel like I slept.
Needless to say, I think I fell off the wagon a little bit yesterday. I ordered a small white pizza, and while I didn't eat the whole thing, I ate 3 slices. BUt that was also all that I ate all day. So maybe it wasn't that bad. I don't think I'm going to work out today because I'm so sore and tired. I think I'm still in shock. While we were in the hospital I couldn't stop shaking - it was basically full-body convulsions - and I was freezing and couldn't stop crying.
We could have been killed. We could have been seriously hurt. I could have killed someone. If he had hit my car in any other spot - engine, gas tank, etc - my car could have blown up. Luckily he hit the back on the side that the muffler was on. But still...I am still completely shaken.
My friends aren't mad at me - they say that it was a complete accident, that no one is at fault, that I need to stop apologizing because I did everything that I could have to stop our spinning, and that it was just unfortunate that we also got hit. Because if we hadn't gotten hit, everything would have been ok. I controlled the car, kept us on the road, didn't flip us over or land us in a ditch...
I'm just still really, really, really shaken up. And I probably will be for a while.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Pizza Monster
Oh my god I really want a slice of pizza. I just had a meeting with my boss and another attorney I work for, and the audit that I'm doing is apparently all effed up. So now I'm irritated, angry, upset that I have to come in on Sunday, and a host of other negative emotions.
And all I want is a slice of greasy, cheesy, hot goodness. But I won't. I brought my lunch with me, and I will eat it. I won't get a soda, either. I'll drink my Propel. But g*ddamn I really want that slice.
And all I want is a slice of greasy, cheesy, hot goodness. But I won't. I brought my lunch with me, and I will eat it. I won't get a soda, either. I'll drink my Propel. But g*ddamn I really want that slice.
Climbing Rocks
As in, climbing the rocks, and climbing is lots of fun. I love double entendres :-) I didn't go to the gym last night, but thats because my climbing buddy and I went to the climbing gym in New Rochelle for two hours. This was only the second time I've been back climbing since my hiatus began about a year and a half ago, and it felt absolutely amazing.
Two weeks ago when we went I was really cautious on the walls. I could feel that my strength was lacking, and my movements were really stiff. I had completely forgotten on to move on the walls, how to balance my weight and move my feet so that I could reach and not completely kill my upper body after three routes. But this week was amazing. I started on a route that really challenged me last time, and I couldn't get over. There is a little horizontal ledge, like an overhang, that you need to pull yourself up and over to continue up the wall, and no matter how hard I tried last time I couldn't get over it.
This time, I was up and over it no problem! I actually did two of them with mild overhangs, the second being a bit more challenging than the first, and even though I struggled I made it! I was really proud of myself. I ended with a very difficult route for my ability level, and even though it took me about 15 minutes to figure it out and get up there, and even though I fell off the wall several times before I was able to actually complete the move that was frazzling me, I did it. Perseverance and persistence, damn right!
I wish I could put that concentration and dedication into my weight loss, though. I've been very good this week - running on Tuesday, swimming on Wednesday, rock climbing last night, running or cycling tonight, snowboarding tomorrow, and then rest on Sunday. Thats five days of activity, and I'm happy with that. My food consumption has been going well, too. Monday I grilled some chicken and made a huge salad that lasted me three meals - two dinners and once lunch. I haven't done take-out or pizza or eaten out all week. I've been eating 3 meals a day and drinking water like it's my job. No soda this week, either. Wow, thats a first. Amazing!
So I think I'll call this week a success. I'm pretty happy with how I've been keeping with my resolutions.
2009 is off to a promising start!
Two weeks ago when we went I was really cautious on the walls. I could feel that my strength was lacking, and my movements were really stiff. I had completely forgotten on to move on the walls, how to balance my weight and move my feet so that I could reach and not completely kill my upper body after three routes. But this week was amazing. I started on a route that really challenged me last time, and I couldn't get over. There is a little horizontal ledge, like an overhang, that you need to pull yourself up and over to continue up the wall, and no matter how hard I tried last time I couldn't get over it.
This time, I was up and over it no problem! I actually did two of them with mild overhangs, the second being a bit more challenging than the first, and even though I struggled I made it! I was really proud of myself. I ended with a very difficult route for my ability level, and even though it took me about 15 minutes to figure it out and get up there, and even though I fell off the wall several times before I was able to actually complete the move that was frazzling me, I did it. Perseverance and persistence, damn right!
I wish I could put that concentration and dedication into my weight loss, though. I've been very good this week - running on Tuesday, swimming on Wednesday, rock climbing last night, running or cycling tonight, snowboarding tomorrow, and then rest on Sunday. Thats five days of activity, and I'm happy with that. My food consumption has been going well, too. Monday I grilled some chicken and made a huge salad that lasted me three meals - two dinners and once lunch. I haven't done take-out or pizza or eaten out all week. I've been eating 3 meals a day and drinking water like it's my job. No soda this week, either. Wow, thats a first. Amazing!
So I think I'll call this week a success. I'm pretty happy with how I've been keeping with my resolutions.
2009 is off to a promising start!
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